Category Archives: Canis Hoopus

It’s a sad day:Darko Milicic has been waived by the Timberwolves, thus ending the Minnesota time of one of the strangest players the Wolves have ever had.

I marked the occasion by writing what will likely be the final installment in the no-longer-continuing I, Darko series: I, Darko, Have Been Amnestied. I like to think all of the classic I, Darko tendencies are on display: a love for sandwiches, a confusing hatred of Swedes, a fear of Montenegrin cannibals, and so on.

I’m back at Canis Hoopus today with another edition of Timberwolves Point/Counterpoint, the goofy post in which I imagine an argument for two different Timberwolves players. Today, it’s Ricky Rubio arguing with Anthony Randolph about whether optimism or pessimism is best.

Like last time: stupendously dumb. This is fun.

It’s an off day for the Timberwolves, so I’ve taken the opportunity to introduce my new silly feature: Timberwolves Point / Counterpoint. It has the potential to be stupendously dumb, which is what I always aspire to be.

The first edition has Kevin Love, the superstar, and Michael Beasley, the league’s most easily distracted player, talking about the playoffs.


Pretty much every time Darko Milicic gets a mention in the news, I end up writing an I, Darko post. This week, Rick Adelman basically came out and called Darko fat and lazy. I have to imagine that this would hurt the big guy’s feelings. Or it would, if Darko showed any evidence of having feelings, other than the mild annoyance he shows every time he’s asked to play basketball.

In the world of I, Darko, though, he is sensitive to such slights. And so in the latest installment at Canis Hoopus, Darko lays out his plan for getting back in shape – and also reveals why he’s scared of Nikola Pekovic.

It’s NBA All-Star weekend in Orlando, but most of the Timberwolves get a long break rather than a trip to the Sunshine State. With that in mind, I took some guesses at what the rest of the team was doing.

The post is over at Canis Hoopus.

In the latest installment of my multi-part look into the fictional life of Timberwolves center Darko Milicic, Darko explains why he does not trust banks, and lists off a few other untrustworthy things.

It’s here: I, Darko, Do Not Trust Your Banks

For more I, Darko, click here.

Timberwolves forward Anthony Randolph looks like he’s got serious potential. He’s tall, he’s graceful, and he’s got a nice-looking jump shot for a big man.

He also, for some reason, always looks like a man who’s just seen a dog get hit by a car. He might be the saddest-looking player I’ve ever seen. Over at Canis Hoopus, I collected a few pictures and wondered – just what might Randolph be thinking?

Thursday, it was announced that former Portland guard Bonzi Wells would be signing with the Timberwolves. Wells hadn’t played in the NBA for more than three years and was a known hothead – he was a big part of the Jail Blazers era in Portland – so it was a curious decision.

Wells will likely remain a practice / camp player, a footnote in Timberwolves history. With that in mind, I put together the top ten reasons the Wolves signed Bonzi Wells.

Always taking on the big subjects here, aren’t I?

I think making up an entirely fictional personality for Darko Milicic has been one of my favorite things to write.  I don’t know why I decided that Darko should think Swedes are idiots, or love French Toast, or try to nickname Wes Johnson “Kill Shark,” but it’s been fun.

In the beginning, Darko just wanted to stay in Minnesota – and later was thrilled to re-sign. Unfortunately, he then couldn’t shoot to save himself. And now, he’s back, and ready for the lockout to end and the 2011-12 season to begin, in a post titled “I, Darko, Am Ready For Basketballs.”

The Canis Hoopus commenters sometimes get on me for making fun of Milicic. I want to be clear that he is my favorite Timberwolf, and I hope he scores 30 points a game and his left-handed hook becomes famous as one of the great moves in NBA history. It’s just fun to poke fun at him until that happens.


Eagle-eyed readers will note that my latest post at Canis Hoopus, 13 Little-Known Provisions In The New CBA, bears a striking similarity to something I wrote last Monday for Twinkie Town. I can only say that it was unfortunate that baseball and basketball both put together new collective bargaining agreements so close to one another, thereby throwing into sharp relief the fact that I have pretty much one joke in my entire repertoire.