The Norwegian people are free from those Swedish jerks! In celebration, let’s learn something about Norway:
Well, that was… edifying.
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From Twinkie Town
The Google Searches Of The Twins
This week at Twinkie Town, I invented the top Google searches for a bunch of Twins players. This is as off-topic as it sounds.
If you’re looking for on-topic, I also looked at the week ahead for the Twins, in a weekly post that’s turning out to be the most critical thing I write. In my defense, it’s hard not to be fatalistic right now.
From RandBall
Weekend Links
There’s a book review in this edition of the weekend links. How literary. As always, this column appeared first at RandBall, your home for the genesis of weird dreams.
I’ve just finished reading “Out of My League,” the new book from relief pitcher and author Dirk Hayhurst, and I have to tell you: I now feel really bad for Danny Valencia.
Hayhurst’s first book, “The Bullpen Gospels,” was the story of his trips up and down the minor-league ladder. It was entertaining, and it made the nonfiction bestseller list from the New York Times, but it was kind of a mixed bag – more a collection of anecdotes than a book. “Out of My League,” on the other hand, almost reads like a novel, and is the better book of the two for it. However, the chapters in which he goes to the big leagues for the first time – and nearly loses it completely – are a harrowing read. After spending five years kicking around the minors and keeping baseball in perspective, barely a month in the majors is all it takes to nearly drive Hayhurst around the bend.
I never really realized how much of a difference there is between Triple-A and the big leagues – in how players are treated, how they treat each other, and so forth. To paraphrase a player in the book, once you’re in the majors, you realize it’s the only level where you can have an impact – everything else is just glorified practices. I’d always assumed that AAA ball, while a major step down, was at least something comparable – that someone in Triple-A had an accomplishment to be proud of. But judging by the attitudes of the players in the book, Triple-A is to the majors as the front steps of your house are to Everest. No comparison. None.
And so now I’m left feeling terrible for Valencia. He hasn’t played in the minor leagues for almost two years. He’d been a mainstay for the Twins at third base for virtually that entire time. He must have felt like he’d made it. He must have felt like he belonged, like he was no longer a serf in baseball’s feudal system. And now he’s got to go back down and start all over. He’s got to look across the great chasm that separates the majors and the minors, and try to cross one more time, knowing all the while that the guys on the other side already kicked him out once. What a cruel, cruel game.
On the other hand: he did have the OPS of a typical National League pitcher. On with the links:
*At the Classical, Mark Dent looks at the between-the-legs shot in tennis, which is apparently known as “the tweener” – and why Andy Murray is ruining it.
*Sports Media Watch looks at the TV ratings and declares, for the first time since Sports Illustrated famously devoted its cover to the subject, that once again the NHL is hot and the NBA is not.
*This may be 16 years old, but is still worth it: Nationally-renowned humor columnist Dave Barry writing about baseball, his own career, and hating the Yankees.
*Spencer Hall went rallying, by which I mean “went driving through the forest at insane speeds on a dirt road.”
*Charlie Pierce, writing over at Grantland, looks at the beginning of the end of homophobia in sports, through the lens of Nebraska assistant football coach Ron Brown’s recent decision to speak out against an anti-gay-discrimination law in Omaha.
*Parker Hageman looks at the hitting charts, and thinks that Joe Mauer might not be slumping – he might be hurt.
*And finally: though this has nothing to do with sports, I really enjoyed Shawn Fury writing about bodegas in New York City.
The MN GOP House Leadership Goes To Chipotle
(SCENE: An anonymous Chipotle restaurant in the Twin Cities. The staff busies themselves with the same tasks that they’re always doing at Chipotle – grilling four thousand pounds of meat, preparing enormous vats full of rice, and that sort of thing. Up to the counter step Minnesota House of Representatives Speaker Rep. Kurt Zellers, R-Maple Grove, and House Majority Leader Rep. Matt Dean, R-Dellwood.)
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: What can I get for you?
KURT ZELLERS: Well, I’ll tell you, I’m just not a fan of burritos.
EMPLOYEE: Uh, I’m sorry? Perhaps you would like tacos, or one of our bowls?
ZELLERS: No, you’re not getting this. I want a burrito, but I am not a fan of burritos.
EMPLOYEE: What?
ZELLERS: I don’t know how I can make this clearer: I do not want you to make me a chicken burrito. Black beans. Thank you.
EMPLOYEE: Uh… so you want a chicken burrito?
ZELLERS: NO! Jeez, do I have to spell everything out for you? I want you to make me exactly what I don’t want. Is that clear?
EMPLOYEE: Frankly, no.
MATT DEAN: Ma’am, let me explain. The Speaker wants a burrito for lunch, but the Governor also likes burritos. And so we can’t have it getting around that the Speaker wants a burrito too.
EMPLOYEE: Why not? That makes no sense. Can’t you both like burritos?
DEAN (agitated): Listen, we didn’t come to St. Paul to eat the same lunch the Governor eats!
ZELLERS: Actually, Matt, you used to run a restaurant, right? What do you think I should have for lunch?
DEAN: I think you should get a cheeseburger. Nothing better than a cheeseburger for lunch.
EMPLOYEE: We don’t sell cheeseburgers. We sell burritos.
ZELLERS: HOW DARE YOU. MATT DEAN USED TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING. I DEMAND THAT YOU BEGIN SELLING CHEESEBURGERS IMMEDIATELY. I AM INTRODUCING A BILL TO REQUIRE ALL BURRITO RESTAURANTS TO SELL CHEESEBURGERS.
EMPLOYEE: You want a cheeseburger from a burrito restaurant?
ZELLERS: Matt Dead used to be a restauranteur, madam. That means that he’s an expert in all foodstuff production of any kind, and MATT DEAN SAYS YOU NEED TO SELL ME A CHEESEBURGER.
DEAN: Unless the Governor likes cheeseburgers. Then you can’t sell them ever.
EMPLOYEE: I’m going to have to ask you guys to leave.
ZELLERS: Yeah, we hear that a lot nowadays.
To be totally clear, I’m not criticizing people who are anti-stadium; just Kurt Zellers, for waffling and saying things like “I can’t support the bill” but “I hope it passes,” and then trying to claim later that he didn’t mean the things he said. Also, I should note that I first published this in the FanPosts section of the Daily Norseman.
From Twinkie Town
Some Twins Opinions Nobody Is Using
Everyone likes to have an original opinion – to see something that others don’t see, or be able to explain it in ways they can’t. With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few Twins opinions - for your own personal use, if you wish – that absolutely nobody, I mean nobody, is going to be using.
Also, if you want to know what the week has in store for the Twins, I’ve got that covered too.
From RandBall
Weekend Links
This week, I tell the story of my trip to Vegas, which I think bored people. They’re just lucky I didn’t put in a more complete explanation of how I came to win a bet on NASCAR, a sport I know virtually nothing about. As always, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for Minnesota’s abysmally depressing major sports.
When I stepped off the plane in Las Vegas, I heard other people saying, “Vegas, Baby, Vegas!” They had been programmed to say this by movies and television, where Las Vegas is portrayed as the world center of excitement and debauchery of all stripes, as a place where people come to ride dinosaurs while discharging rifles and drinking from open chalices of molten lava. Or whatever. I can’t say that I had a clear picture in my head of what Vegas would be like, a confusion that was doubled by the fact that the Las Vegas airport is completely anonymous, like the Denver airport with a few rows of slot machines.
There are things that are allowed in Las Vegas that are not allowed anywhere else, like smoking lavishly indoors, or carrying a drink wherever you go. (In this way, it’s a little like being at a convention of alcoholics in about 1989.) Vegas also has sports betting, something that is banned across the United States, and is the worldwide leader in “enormous hotels that look like other places, as long as you have a very bad imagination about what other places look like.” But other than those slight differences, it looks surpassingly like Tucson – same desert climate, same acres of abandoned lots and disused asphalt, same general gripping fear of being stabbed no matter where you go.
The truth is that Vegas – like everywhere else – is defined by how you act while you’re there, not by the place itself. And it’s true that more than most cities, it’s designed for you to act like an idiot; it may be the best place in the world to get drunk and lose a lot of money, with the possible exception of western Minnesota farm auctions in the summertime, and then you at least usually have an inoperable decades-old combine or two to show for your big day out. It’s exciting because people are conditioned to do exciting things while they’re there, not because the town demands that you re-enact things from “The Hangover.”
So let me tell you about my first-ever trip to Vegas. I won three dollars fifty-five cents from a Star Wars slot machine that I couldn’t begin to understand; I saw one of my friends win over two thousand dollars at blackjack; I won thirty-five dollars betting on a NASCAR race; and I got a big cut on my shin from diving into a moving limousine at an In-N-Out Burger. Some of these things I could have done in Minneapolis, and some of them I couldn’t. But I probably wouldn’t have done any of them here, and I suppose that this is the magic that Las Vegas provides.
On with the links:
*I really enjoyed Matt Kallman’s story of his grandfather’s career in the early days of pro basketball, which is a great look into how things were back in the old days.
*Spencer Hall may be the only writer in the world that could imagine Ryan Leaf and Peyton Manning in the year 2028 and come up with this: the latter fighting with an A/V system and the former living in the woods and named The Pancake Man.
*Military terms are used far too often in football, but SB Nation’s Matt Ufford – a former Marine – knows that in Junior Seau’s case, at least one comparison may be an apt one.
*I really enjoyed Amy K. Nelson’s featurette on former Royals star, current Royals coach, and convicted drug abuser Willie Mays Aikens. It’s over ten minutes long – that’s 37 hours, translated into internet terms – but I recommend it anyway.
*And finally: Bulls fans have have figured out exactly how to feel.
From Twinkie Town
A Few Lists About Awfulness
Thanks to some scheduling issues (i.e. I was in Vegas all weekend), Thursday was my day at Twinkie Town this week. With the Twins getting no-hit on Wednesday night, I decided to make a few short lists about how bad the Twins are.
Also, we did a poll and found that 90% of Twins fans think the team will lose at least 90 games this year, and well over half are predicting at least 100 losses. (Only 9% agreed with me in saying that the Twins will lose 120 games this year. I think it’s happening.)
From Twinkie Town
Cheering Up Frankie
The Twins wanted to “cheer up” Francisco Liriano, according to manager Ron Gardenhire. Over at Twinkie Town, I imagined what that might look like.
The same day, the Twins announced that – following another disappointing start – Liriano would be skipped his next time up in the rotation. No wonder he needed cheering up.
From RandBall
Weekend Links
Every time I write something that even touches on a political matter, it becomes clear to me that I should not do this ever. Anyway, this appeared first at RandBall, your home for new athletic directors.
In times of great conflict, it’s nice to have legislators that we can all be proud of. We are blessed with great leaders and statesmen, folks who, when contentious decisions like the Vikings’ Minneapolis stadium proposal come up for debate, will do the right thing and bog that thing down in committee. It’s what our legislators promised us on the stump – that they alone were ready, willing, and able to go to St. Paul and to tie things up in procedural nonsense.
I get that this is a difficult decision. Minnesota would be a poorer place if the Vikings were to leave town, which they will do without a new stadium. At the same time, the team’s asking for a lot of public revenues to be spent on a building that for some reason costs more than Target Field and TCF Bank Stadium put together. Like every group of people, the state of Minnesota is hamstrung by the need to make finite resources cover infinite wants, and there’s a legitimate discussion to be had about where an NFL team fits in our list of priorities and expenditures.
Surely, the least our legislators can do is to actually have that discussion – to stop sinking into the cameral morass and to simply make a decision. Government exists as a centralized way for us to provide ourselves services. It’s time to quit arguing about the process and to decide whether an NFL team will be one of those services. This is elected leaders’ only job, and I couldn’t be more frustrated in their continuing inability to do so.
On with the links:
*Via Phil Mackey, SI.com’s Tom Verducci thinks that the spate of recent injuries to closers means that it’s time to rethink how the baseball bullpen is used. Maybe “throw hard enough for your arm to explode, for one inning, every other day” really isn’t the best way of taking care of pitchers’ arms. (This also seems like a good time to link to Deadspin checking in with former Twins reliever Dr. Mike Marshall, who could pitch pretty much every day if anybody needed him.)
*Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey, writing at economist.com, makes a compelling case that nobody could have predicted the rise of Jeremy Lin – not even the guy that purportedly did.
*I enjoyed local writer Bryan Reynolds writing about his day trying to play lacrosse with the Minnesota Swarm. Key quote: “The consensus from the game was that none of us have the ability to run from one end of a hockey rink to the other.”
*Jesse Lund at Twinkie Town goes inside the pitch breakdowns to study how Carl Pavano beat the Yankees despite throwing only four breaking pitches all night.
*And finally – the goofs at Down Goes Brown have the latest (made-up) Brendan Shanahan disciplinary video explanation. We all used to make fun of former disciplinary czar Colin Campbell for his inconsistent, inscrutable decisions, but Shanahan is as bad, if not worse.
From Twinkie Town
Other Twins Promotions That Should Probably Be Canceled
Ben Revere was sent down to Triple-A, which from a baseball perspective is a good thing – he needs to play more than he is currently playing in the majors, so that he may continue to develop. From a promotional standpoint, though, it’s a bad thing, since the team was holding Ben Revere Bat Day in a couple of weeks.
Over at Twinkie Town, then, we look at some other (made-up) Twins promotions that the team might want to cancel.
